Senioritis?

I am not really sure if one can get senioritis in a masters program that is only 12 months, but if it IS possible, then I definitely am suffering. Don’t get me wrong, I am still totally in love with everything that I am studying and really do love all the students and professors I get to be with each week, but I am so tired of being a student. I really like what I get to read but the fact that it is required of me makes it instantly somehow less desirable. I also have to say that I am getting incredibly tired of all the papers. While I know I will undoubtedly have to write at times throughout my career, I won’t miss the nights before a paper is due attempting to write 8 pages of creative, flawless statements of profound clinical interpretations. Social work is so much easier to just do rather than imagine.

My semester is done in six more weeks. That is really insane to me. Thinking about the end makes me cringe thinking about all the papers and reading I will need to complete in that time. Yuck. My internship will also be done at the same time so I suppose I could say my summer starts in six weeks. I am working hard at not dreading the summer. I found out that I didn’t get a job that was really pumped for this summer. I am already over the disappointment and have once again begun the job search. It is sort of an ego-bust to be 24 years old and near the completion of a masters and having to find a summer job. I have two more classes to take this summer on Tuesday and Thursday nights from 6-9 starting in June for ten weeks. Since my summer starts at the end of April, I have all of May, June, and July free for a job. If anyone knows of anything, please don’t hesitate to send me suggestions. Tonight I applied to jobs at a zoo. I am definitely putting my social work to good use. Animals need therapy right?

Home Sweet Home

I am back in Des Moines and it always feels so perfect. While I am loving all of my time and experiences in Chicago, my heart really does belong in Des Moines. I would have predicted feeling this way, but Iowa is a pretty fantastic state and I am looking forward to completing school and coming back to stay.

For now I will enjoy my spring break as much as I can. I plan on spending a lot of time in coffee shops (right now I am at Scooters) and leisurely getting through some homework and pretty much just wasting time and not feeling guilty about it at all.

Sicky Ms. Sickerson

I have to say being sick alone makes one feel quite pathetic. I think it was Wednesday night that I was feeling sort of off but just decided I had had a long day and was tired. That day, my internship site was being audited by the Illinois Board of Education. They were making sure that our school was indeed following all the stipulations in our grant. While the board member was quite nice, it still caused some heightened levels of anxiety. I went to bed Wednesday night and woke up Thursday morning with a head full of pressure.

I found myself some cold medicine and attempted to go about my day. I went to a meeting, class, and even a training session at the gym and trying hard to focus on what was to come. Friday morning I woke up and it felt like I had been hit over the head with death.

I have been battling a fever, cough, runny nose, headache, achy bones, etc all weekend long. I would have a fever, break it, have a fever break it. While being sick is enough of a pain, being all alone is pretty much the worst. I had to get my own tea and medicine. I had to throw away the used Kleenex and cough drop wrappers. I had to fluff my pillows and rub my back.

Feeling sorry for me now? I hope so. While I wouldn’t really want anyone to be around me for fear of them getting sick, it would be nice having someone around telling me that I will soon get better. Luckily I have had by comforting kitty Addy by my side. Yesterday I found myself in a bit of a coughing attack and Addy came over and put her paw on my chest and nuzzled into my arm and looked up at me. I decided it meant she was concerned about me.

Luckily as I type this I feel as I am finally on the mend. I haven’t had a fever today and although the cough is still there, the aches are going away. I am hoping tonight’s sleep will be enough to get me through this last week before spring break.

Weekends at Last

For much of my time here in Chicago I have felt like I am not living the “normal” life for a 24 year old. I don’t know what it’s like for other grad students out there, but I am in a constant state of needing to read/write a paper/research, etc. It honestly never ends. The second I feel I am making good progress, I look at a syllabus and realize I have so much more to go. I never seem to be able to read every word but I try and read as much as I can since ultimately its my future clients that are relying on my knowledge.

I think what sets my studying social work apart from other grad programs is that in addition to taking four full-time classes, I am also working almost thirty hours a week at my internship weather it be at the site, in a meeting, in transit, etc. When you put two and two together, it leaves a minimal amount of time free for much else especially after I try fitting in my eating, working out, and sleeping.

I think I make it worse on myself because even though I could probably give up some time to go do something and try and put off some of the reading, most of my classmates are reading or doing something else for school. I seriously love my classmates and often learn as much from them as I do my professors, but we all just seem so busy. Many of them have to find time to actually hold a paying job while managing the reading and internship time. Needless to say, my social life has been nearly non-existent since living here.

Fortunately, February has presented a nice change. This past weekend Nathan, a good friend from college, was in town visiting people and we were able to go to a movie and out to dinner. It was nice to leave the books for a while though I did catch myself thinking about how much reading I was going to have to make up for the next day.

This coming weekend Dana, a friend from my summer in Minnesota, is coming to town and we are heading to the House of Blues to see Matt Wertz and The Alternate Routes. I was trying to remember, but I think this will be the fourth time I have seen Matt Wertz, and the third time at House of Blues. I am really looking forward to it, especially because I think Dana is an even bigger fan than me.

Although both of my social “outings” are with people that don’t live here, I will still bask in the opportunity to not read for a couple of hours.

Ugh

It seems as if I have somehow already been in Chicago for six months now. Its really bizarre to think that it has already been that long. Six months…that’s half a year. I can’t decide yet if it has passed quickly or gone far too slow.

With how breaks have worked with school and the holidays, I have been able to go back to Iowa three different times now. As I sit here reflecting, I wonder if going home has made being here harder. With school having high demands as well as all the hours I am doing at my internship, I don’t really feel like I actually live here in Chicago. It’s more like Chicago is temporarily hosting me until I really decide to move in.

I know for a fact that I will be in this apartment in this city for another six months and after that….I have no idea.

I am getting tired of not knowing. It seems as if I have been in a perpetual state of transition for the last two years. I am getting anxious to be done with school, live in an apartment I love, live in a city that’s healthy for me (who knows what city this is), have a job that I love, and be happy.

With it being the last semester in my program, it seems as if all of my classes reference finding a job and getting licensed at least once every session. It’s really exciting to think about it but also, extremely frustrating since I won’t actually be done with classes until August. It’s too early for me to put any real energy in looking for a job but it’s hard to not think about it when all of my classmates seem to be stuck with a one-track mind. It also sucks that there are all these really sweet career fairs for jobs for here in Chicago and I don’t even know if I want to stay in Chicago.

I usually like fantasizing about the future, but there are days that I wish someone could tell me what to expect over the next two years and what would be the good and bad decisions to make.

Thoughts on Marriage.

Since all of my classes are 2.5 hours long, professors usually give us a break. Most of my professors are social workers or therapists in the field so our breaks often end up being a good fifteen minutes long because professors are often on the phone speaking with clients or someone from work.

This afternoon during break some of us got on the topic of marriage. As I say this now I suppose it sounds sort of stereotypical considering my classes are often filled exclusively with women ages 23-28. We were all discussing how many of our close friends are or aren’t married. For the most part we were all saying that we knew people our age who were married, but none of our close friends. As the discussion continued, we started talking more about the patterns of marriage and what is the typical age for people to get married. Only one student in the group, age 23, is married. She felt very strongly about the fact that she was married at the “best” age (22) and that the rest of us needed to really start thinking about getting married. It was quite obvious that nearly all of us involved in the conversation were taken by surprise and were trying to be polite while still disagreeing.

Many of us felt that marriage, especially the first year, would be quite difficult while being a full-time student and that we still wanted to become more confident in “who we really are” before trying to make a relationship work with someone else. In class as well as in our internship we are constantly learning and our values and ideals are being tested. We were agreeing with each other that we seem to be in a constant state of change and that to be changing so much while in a relationship would be really exhausting. She just couldn’t see where we were coming from. She kept referring to her dutch reformed values and saying that “all dutch people marry young”. Again it was clear that a lot of us weren’t really buying what she was saying. Others were piping in with references to the success of marriage and how age does or doesn’t play a role. Her final argument was that her parents had married young and therefore it was the norm. While many of us admitted that our parents were already married by the time they were our age, we still felt confident in our desire to not be married now or in the next couple of years.

As the break was ending I realized I had more thoughts floating around in my head. Sure my parents married young and their marriage is the strongest example for me, but I have a hard time finding any similarities to their life then and my life now. We are a different generation with a differet lifestyle. I am a women pursuing a masters degree and a professional life. While this was of course allowed when my parents were my age, it certainly wasn’t the norm. I live in a world of technology and have the ability to be connected almost instantly with many people in my life. While love always feels good, I feel no real void in my life because I’m not married.

I can’t wait for the day that I can be married and start a family, but for now I am more than satisfied with being a student and look forward to learning more about me and my future.

A Confession…

I am 100% addicted to television.

Almost every single day the week has a show that defines that day for me. For example, Tuesdays is really Biggest Loser/Fringe Day, Wednesday is Lost/Top Chef Day, Thursday is Grey’s Anatomy/Office/30 Rock Day. As you can see most days have multiple shows to be seen. Unfortunately, with my internship and classes and reading and everything else, this schedule can get somewhat demanding.

Fortunately, weekends and late nights are my solace. I usually can catch at least one show a night but it’s the weekends when I can catch up by watching the shows online.

I actually take comfort in knowing that “my shows” will always be there and they are a nice reminder that another week has indeed passed.

Winter in Chicago

I never thought I was someone that was affected by the seasons, but after attempting to survive a Chicago winter I think differently. I am still trying to figure out what is so different about winter here compared to winter in Iowa. Here are some of my observations thus far.

For starters, the sidewalks are NEVER cleared. With everyone living in apartments there is no one that takes ownership of the sidewalks. I certainly don’t think of the sidewalk outside my building as my sidewalk. The snow just seems to pile up and pile up and pile up. Then, since so many people are walking on it, it gets all packed down and once it gets super cold at night the top turns to ice. Each morning I feel like I am ice skating to the bus stop hoping not to fall in front of the million people that seem to be out.

The streets possess problems as well. Streets are lined with cars on both sides. Of course there are some streets that are considered snow routes, but many are not. When the city finally gets around to clearing residential side streets, there is no where for the snow to go except for up against all the cars. This makes parallel parking even more impossible than it already seems to be. There is little to no room for sliding and rocking. I am learning how important it is to have my mini shovel in the trunk to assist in my excavating of the car.

Dressing for the weather is also quite an experience here in Chicago. While I don’t really think it is any windier here than in Iowa, I do think the wind is more harsh. The wind starts getting trapped around all the buildings and soon crazy wind tunnels attack. The wearing of hats, scarves, and gloves in an absolute must.

What’s funny is that once I have successfully crossed the tundra to the bus, I get on and am packed in like a sardine. I regularly ride bus routes that are far too popular. What results is buses that have people in every single seat, people standing in every possible place in the aisle and a yelling bus driver telling us to move back as if the bus never ends. If the personal boundaries (or lack there of) that are allowed on buses were allowed during the rest of our day, there would be no virgins left in the city of Chicago. I can’t tell you how many crotches and butts I have touched or how many times mine have been touched. Now imagine being packed into such space with all those winter coats while still adorning our hats, scarves, and mittens. The windows are in a constant state of “fogged”. I feel like I haven’t seen Lake Michigan on at least a month. Whenever I pass it, all I can see is a window full of breath and sweat.

The only positive of it being cold is the rush I get of fresh air when I am finally pried free of the bus as I skate on home.

I have a feeling…

While my family and close friends support me (hopefully!) in my choice to pursue social work, none of them are involved in the field in any personal way. This doesn’t really bother me, but as I get deeper and deeper into the field and become more familiar and comfortable with the theory and jargon, the more complicated it is to share with those that I love what it is that I am really learning and practicing.

During my time in grad school, I have found myself connecting more and more with other social workers and desiring for someone that could be a mentor for me as I navigate my way through the crazy world of social service. I have made some pretty amazing contacts thus far and they have provided a lot of comfort for when I just need to talk about what is all going on in my crazy head and validation for my heart that I really am in the profession that is best for me.

I think for most social workers, we are driven by this almost radical passion to help others and make life better for as many people as possible. Unfortunately, there are rules and policies that often prevent us from being able to help in the way our hearts feel is best, not to mention the limitation of time and energy. It can get really frustrating, but hopefully our passion will remain strong.

I was sitting in class today and found myself being perhaps the most engaged and connected I have ever been. I was LOVING every part of the conversation and laughing and reflecting and being challenged, the list really could go on forever. I think the best way to describe is by saying I was in throws of an intellectual love affair. I seriously couldn’t get enough of it. Just in the matter of a couple of hours I found myself thinking, “If I am even half the therapist she is, I will be ok.”

You know how when you are meeting a new friend and you realize you have a similar sense of humor and a similar upbringing and likes and dislikes and there seems to be no question that they will be a really great friend….I felt that with my professor. I know this all seems sort of creepy right now but she and I got to talking after class and I just have this feeling that she is going to be able to be someone that I will be able to connect with throughout my time in this field and that she will give me honest and helpful answers while still making me laugh and keeping me grounded.

I can’t wait till class next week.

How Do I Really Know?

As a component of my social work grad program, I have the requirement of logging 720 hours at a professional internship on MWF and then attending classes on T&Th. There are some details of the internship that include needing to have a supervisor that has a certain level degree and experience, somewhat intensive regular review and supervision, as well as work with individual clients and groups. The traditional way in doing this is to have an internship for the whole nine months of the school year. The benefits of this allows the intern to see a client potentially the whole way through their service as well as see projects, grants, groups go from planning to termination.

I was at an agency this fall that ran support groups for families who had lost a spouse/parent or a child/sibling. We broke the families down into age groups of the children and then types of loss for the adults. While the services provided by the agency (which I don’t feel comfortable naming) are really amazing, the integrity of the agency is quite low. The director was very aggressive and hostile and had a hard time keeping staff. The woman who was my supervisor, and who quit while I was there, was the fourth person in that position in three years. Without listing all of the multitude of other weaknesses of the agency and internship, I swallowed hard and stood up for myself and acknowledged it wasn’t a good learning environment and decided to be done at semester.

While I am really proud of myself for taking ownership of my experience, I unfortunately am having to put myself back into the interview process. Although Chicago is large, internships get quite competitive with there being twelve professional social work schools in and around the city. To make it even more difficult on myself, I am looking in the middle of the school year for a placement that is normally set for nine months.

Over the past couple of weeks myself and the internship coordinator at Loyola have been placing a multitude of calls and sending emails trying to find an agency that would take me for a shorter placement yet would provide a true educational experience.

The process has been more overwhelming than I anticipated. Making the calls and going on the interviews haven’t been horrible, it’s more the realization that this internship will be my last concrete learning opportunity before I am supposedly qualified to be a legit MSW therapist. As new openings present themselves and new calls need to be made, the internship coordinator will ask, “How does this one sound?” or “Does this seem interesting?”. Good and Yes!

The beauty and curse of social work is that it includes everything! I am a very new social worker and while I keep saying I want to work with families on behalf of the children, I find myself wondering if this really is true. I have had to choose a specialization in my program and I chose Child and Family but I sit here wondering if I have a secret passion in Mental Health or what if I was supposed to go into schools? Should I have learned Spanish and work in immigration? Would my skills better suit me in medical social work?

I am working hard at staying calm and take each interview and connection as they come. I have to remember that I am a very young 24 year old and that I will have hopefully many opportunities before my long career is over. One thing that is nice about going into a licensed career is that I will have continuing ed requirement throughout my career. Who knows, someday I could pull a 180 and do something completely different.

Keep your fingers crossed for me that I can get all this internship stuff sorted out and that I can find a place that is perfect for me.